Dear Jane,
I just found out some deeply troubling news about my husband.
My partner and I have been in a relationship for a decade. Given that he works in New York City while I reside in the suburbs, there are times when he stays the night in the city.
On his birthday last Wednesday, my husband had early meetings scheduled for the following day. He mentioned that he would prefer to skip celebrating his birthday and stay overnight in the city.
Wanting to show him my love and appreciation, I decided to surprise him. I arranged a reservation at his favorite restaurant in the city and cleared my schedule for the next day so we could enjoy an entire evening together in NYC.
However, when I showed up to his office on Wednesday at 6pm, he was nowhere to be found.
I checked his location on my iPhone, and he was at an unfamiliar spot in the Lower East Side of the city. I assumed he was getting drinks with coworkers and headed in his direction.
However, when I arrived, there was no bar or restaurant, just an unmarked building. At this point, I began to worry — so I waited in the car for my husband to emerge.
At around 8pm, he finally appeared – exiting the building in a cluster of other men and women who all wandered off in different directions.
As my husband tried to hail a cab, I honked the car horn to get his attention. When he saw me, he went ghostly pale.
He sheepishly approached the passenger door and climbed in.
I asked where on Earth he’d just been… and he spilled everything: He told me that he’s part of a ‘spanking club’. I was speechless.
He insisted it wasn’t cheating — but that he was ashamed of his ‘fetish’ and merely wanted to get his ‘fix’ outside of our marriage.
After he was done telling me, I actually felt bad.
I wish he had felt comfortable enough to tell me about it — I would have even been open to trying it out!
But when I offered to come to the club with him from now on, he told me he didn’t want that, and that he wouldn’t enjoy it if I was there with him.
Needless to say, the birthday surprise was a fail and every time I’ve brought up the club since, my husband has gone quiet.
I feel hurt and rejected that he doesn’t want me to join. And I certainly don’t feel comfortable with him going without me.
How can I stop him from going — or convince him to let me join?
From,
Slapped Silly
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Slapped Silly,
First of all, I cannot commend you highly enough for your reaction to your husband’s revelation. It sounds like you were able to keep a level head – despite being in shock.
Now, I want you to try and understand why your husband hid this from you for so long, and why he wants to continue to keep you seperate from his secret life.
We tend to hide our more outlandish desires from the people we love the most because of shame.
We worry how our loved ones will view us if we reveal our true colors – and fear we may even be abandoned.
This is likely the true reason your husband wants to pursue this alone.
Luckily for him, the world is celebrating sex positivity more and more – and people are becoming comfortable with outing their more outré desires.
Clearly, your husband isn’t quite there… yet. But now that you know his secret – and seem to be fine with it – the two of you need to find a way for you to be included.
Joining him at the club is a very big leap, but there are ways for you to get involved.
You need to have an open conversation – with a counselor if necessary – to find a solution.
Perhaps start with some light experimentation just the two of you in the bedroom.
It may be that once he is comfortable enough with you at home, he won’t even want to return to the club after all.
Sex in a marriage should be playful – and communication should be open. Even though he doesn’t want to include you yet, there is no doubt in my mind that once the two of you start having honest conversations, you will find a way forward, together.
