Am I having enough sex?
That’s a question nearly all of us ask ourselves at some stage in our life – but the answer is not one-size-fits-all.
How often a couple have sex is affected greatly by seven key factors that influence the sex and relationship dynamic.
How old are you?
Your 20s and 30s are the peak years for sexual activity – a time when many individuals prioritize and greatly enjoy it. The eagerness for sexual encounters with new partners is often present, yet maintaining intimacy with a long-term partner also remains fulfilling.
This is because everything in our body is in peak condition and working to do what evolution wants us to do: populate the earth.
Upon the arrival of children, the sexual aspect of many couples’ lives tends to suffer a decline (further elaboration on this point is to follow), but for those without children, a significant number continue to experience fulfilling sexual relationships well into their late 40s and 50s.
Similar to numerous aspects of life, the natural decline in our libido becomes more apparent as we age. Hormonal alterations linked to menopause and decreases in testosterone levels primarily contribute to this shift in sexual drive.
All is not lost when you hit your 60s or beyond though. Shift from penis-centric to foreplay-focused sex, and you can continue for a lifetime.
The answer to the question ‘Am I having enough sex?’ is not one-size-fits-all (stock image)
What stage is your relationship in?
Of all the factors, this is the most significant. The phase of your relationship plays a huge role in how often you’re having sex.
There’s a reason why the beginning of a relationship is called the ‘honeymoon stage’; when you first meet, you can’t keep your hands off each other.
There’s nothing like sex on tap if you haven’t had it in ages; sex with an unexplored body is equally as fabulous. Passion is at its peak and novelty sprinkles fairy dust on the whole sexual experience.
The longer you’re together, the more frequency falls.
It doesn’t mean you no longer find each other sexually attractive, it’s just that your brains have desensitised because you’ve had sex many times before.
Why don’t we immediately run for the hills and search for someone new? Because as sex moves down the priority list, bonding and love increase providing a different incentive to stay.
How long does it take for desire to drop? Around two years is the agreed-on estimate. It doesn’t mean sex is over after that, just that you need to create desire by planning sex encounters and trying new things.
Sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox (pictured) believes how often a couple has sex is affected by seven key factors that influence the sex and relationship dynamic
What’s your natural libido?
Some people love sex, others are so-so about it. You can blame your parents (a little at least) for which camp you fall into. If Mum or Dad had strong, healthy libidos, chances are yours will be, too. If they were take-it-or-leave it people, you might be as well.
Individual hormone levels and your personal experiences with sex also affect how often you crave sex. Our ‘resting sex drive’ rises at the start of relationships and dips in response to what else is happening in your life.
Like the pitter patter of libido-draining little feet…
Do you have children?
Yes, they bring joy – but they also strain intimacy.
Let us count the ways.
First up, there’s the toll pregnancy takes on her body. Once the baby’s born, sleep deprivation kicks in for both of you. There’s suddenly no privacy and no time; physical exhaustion removes the inclination to do anything about it.
Tracey explains that our ‘resting sex drive’ rises at the start of relationships and dips in response to what else is happening in your life
Nearly all couples stop having sex when the baby first arrives. You’re allowed to resume after about two months (depending on tearing and other factors) but plenty of mothers feel overwhelmed for months after the birth and sex often, necessarily, is put on hold for a quite a long time. Women who can’t get rid of the ‘baby weight’ find body image problems also reduce desire.
The longer couples go without sex, the less likely they are to resume it at the level it was before they had children.
One child dramatically impacts how much sex a couple have and the more you have, the more your sex life is disrupted.
How mentally and physically healthy are you?
The better shape you’re in physically, the more likely you are to want sex. Your energy levels are high and, if you’re physically fit, you probably look good as well and feel more attractive.
Bad body image is a major reason why long-term couples don’t have regular sex. Poor sleep, excessive alcohol, smoking and lack of exercise is not a recipe for a high sex drive.
Chronic illnesses and pain – and the medications prescribed to ease them – all lower our sex drive. Mental conditions like anxiety, depression and stress are also major lust killers.
How’s your quality of life?
People who feel relaxed and happy – as opposed to those who are overwhelmed by stress – are more likely to want sex
Your daily lifestyle – how you manage work, stress and personal time – is another big influencer on how often you have sex. High stress and demanding jobs reduce desire and leave you with no energy for lovemaking. The busier you are, the less time you have for sex.
Most of us want sex when we’re relaxed and happy. If you feel constantly overwhelmed by life, sex becomes a chore. Yet another thing on your already crammed to-do list.
How’s your relationship?
I know what you’re thinking: why wasn’t this first on the list?
There is no doubt the quality of your relationship strongly influences the frequency of sex. If you’re in a toxic relationship that’s seething with resentment, you won’t want to kiss your partner, let alone have sex with them.
But it’s a complete misnomer to assume all happy relationships include lots of sex.
Plenty of long-term couples have sex rarely or never and are perfectly happy with that. True, healthy relationships thrive on both emotional and physical intimacy. But if both of you are happy with the amount of sex you’re having– it’s enough!
- Tracey’s podcast, Sextok with Tracey and Kelsey, comes out every Wednesday. Find her product ranges at lovehoney.co.uk and her blog and books at traceycox.com.
