According to licensed therapist and dating coach Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST, singles often use the “ick” as a justification for not moving forward in a relationship.
In Netflix’s hit rom-com Nobody Wants This, a new couple—played by Kristen Bell and Adam Brody—deal with an ick early on in their relationship: Adam Brody’s character, Rabbi Noah, keeps repeating the word “prego” in an exaggerated accent. They work through the ick together and become a stronger couple for it. But how do you know if the ick you feel is rooted in a larger, more real reason to call it quits—or just something minor that you should look past? We talked to relationship experts about questions you can ask yourself to decipher your ick-y feelings.
Am I being too quick to judge?
Pause for a moment and ask yourself where the ick feeling is coming from. Could it be something more superficial, situational, or born out of your own biases?
“Many people think icks or pet peeves are dealbreakers, but there’s a key difference that can shape your dating experience,” says Moe Ari Brown, a licensed marriage/family therapist and Hinge’s love and connection expert. “An ick is something small that rubs you the wrong way—like socks with sandals—but doesn’t truly impact compatibility.”
How do I know if it’s a dealbreaker?
A dealbreaker, on the other hand, is “often rooted in core values,” Brown says.
Sparking meaningful conversations early on in dating can help you learn how well you and your partner’s values match up. Do they want to get married? Do they want kids? What are their religious or political views—and if you two differ, is that a dealbreaker?
Don’t assume that your dealbreakers are the same as others. Take time to consider your relationship boundaries and how the person you’re dating fits into those.
If the ick signifies behaviors that you don’t want in a partner, or that make you feel insecure or uncomfortable, that might be a sign of a deeper issue. Are they respecting your boundaries? Are they communicating with you the way you want to be communicated with? Are they giving you what you need in a relationship?
“Anything less serious can fall into the category of ‘nice-to-haves’ rather than essentials,” Herzog says. “It’s important to note that because everyone is so different, our values are also different.”
Make a list of the qualities you admire—maybe traits like kindness, respect and showing “genuine interest in you,” Herzog suggests. If they offer these and aren’t violating your values or boundaries, she says it’s “often worth giving it a second look.”
How do I feel around this person?
But what if they don’t violate your boundaries or values and you’re still unsure if you’re attracted to them?
Lack of attraction early in dating doesn’t always mean you’ll never be attracted to the person, Herzog says. Before the ick settled in, did you feel comfortable, calm, and safe with them? As long as you’re interested in getting to know more about them, there’s room for attraction to grow.
“Attraction can be tricky because it doesn’t always come roaring in like fireworks on the first date,” Herzog says. “Genuine attraction often grows from consistent care and shared values.”
Ask yourself why you’re feeling turned off before making any decisions. Attraction is based on a slew of factors, including “physical, emotional, biological, neurological, spiritual and mental,” Brown says. Slow-burns are real, and it’s going to take some time to figure out how you may or may not be attracted to various qualities.
“Often, people experience an ick and decide that they must not be attracted to the person, which isn’t always the case,” Brown adds. Since icks are essentially turn-offs, it’s possible to be turned off and turned on at the same time. “It’s more realistic for us to embrace the idea that icks may show up, whether we are attracted to someone or not. I encourage daters not to zero in on the icks to the point where you can’t see any of the person’s attractive qualities.”
Can we talk about this together?
Being able to be open about your feelings with your partner is a green flag. It could also eradicate that ick once and for all.
Brown recalls working with a couple who had recently spent several nights together and did each other’s laundry for the first time. The woman found herself icked-out after her partner mixed her colorful clothes with white clothes, and silks with cotton. But Brown helped the couple work through this issue by explaining that the man’s life experiences were different—he was used to washing all his clothes together to save money. Encouraging the couple to talk about the reasoning behind their actions helped them to understand each other better.
“They ended up getting married,” says Brown.
Never fear—there’s hope for those plagued by the ick after all.
