Befriend this flamethrowing robot dog … before it’s too late

Last week, flamethrowing robo-dogs became the newest draft pick for the military-industrial complex.

Now, I love dogs. I am proudly a “dog person.” Hopefully, my dog buddies will be waiting for me in heaven. But I don’t know how to feel about
Throwflame’s weaponized dog, Thermonator. With the push of a button for the plasma arc ignition, the murder mutt starts marching in a perfect cadence.

This quarter-gallon of canned Mt. Vesuvius is undoubtedly capable of far more than we even realize, but who needs to be a worrywart about the prospect of automated doom?

Think of it as a kind of video game. A great one about the collapse of human civilization or imprisonment of sentient robot soldiers: These diesel-fueled canine machines are as heartless as any death-ready contraption.

I’m told they don’t
currently provide decapitation or fatal electricity, but I suspect that it’s only a matter of time before these geniuses have that light-bulb moment. In the meantime, we can only dream. Additionally, we have confirmed that our inevitable dystopia will have lots of fire. For $9,420, you can sample the horrendous technological weaponry that is coming to enslave us and our children. Probably for generations! If you’re looking for the ARC flamethrower without the pup friend, it starts at $699, but where’s the fun (and terror) in that?

The Robot Dog With A Flamethrower | Thermonator

Suspend, for a moment, the primal fear of seeing man’s best friend weaponized into a robotic flamethrowing maniac. If you can get over that image, this little side road on the voyage to a brighter future is a little easier to gulp down. This weaponized scorch-pup has all sorts of uses, like warfare, combat, espionage, torture, and genocide.

We have been slowly making ourselves redundant with engineering machinery and software increasingly capable of outsmarting and outperforming us. But sure, why not? Why
shouldn’t we construct a flamethrowing robot dog capable of sprinting at literal breakneck speeds within the blink of an eye? Don’t let its mechanical death eyes frighten you. Or better yet, scoot back far enough that you can’t see them — the flame has a 30-foot max firing range anyway.

Careful not to pet the Thermonator’s seamless 6061-T6 aluminum body. It could be warm from the flamethrowing.

This quarter-gallon of canned Mt. Vesuvius is undoubtedly capable of far more than we even realize, but who needs to be a worrywart about the prospect of automated doom?

The specs on the robot dog are similar to Boston Dynamics iterations of robo-dogs, beginning with Big Dog, a giant four-legged robot that looks like a massive nightmare flea but is more closely linked to the
beloved and popular robotic dog named Spot. The Throwflame version more closely resembles Boston Dynamics’ LittleDog, which ought not to need an explanation. Then, in 2016, Boston Dynamics released a robot unlike any of its others: It was vaguely human: The Agile Anthropomorphic Robot “Atlas” is a six-foot (183 cm) bipedal humanoid robot, based on Boston Dynamics’ earlier PETMAN humanoid robot, and designed for a variety of search and rescue tasks.

Meet Sparkles | Boston Dynamics

Although ultimately, we may find the most guidance from YouTube, the top comment of the promo for the flamethrowing robo-pup: “Just as the founding fathers intended.”

Thankfully, these robots can’t start a revolution. Not yet, at least!

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