At 44, I won’t have kids with my partner: The emotions of Mother’s Day and what people don’t talk about when you choose not to have children

As I open yet another OOO, it feels like the majority of women are on maternity leave. 

My close friends, who are now mothers with young kids, no longer have the availability to hang out for a leisurely walk in the nearby park on weekends. It often feels like I’ve been left hanging by these parents who leave my messages unread for months.

Back when I was single before the lockdown, these situations used to make me quite sad – hearing the laughter and smells of big family barbecues during the summer or the energetic screams of children playing on a trampoline in their yards in the spring.

‘Where’s my family?’ I’d wonder as I sat at home on my own.

Today, however, four years into a committed relationship aged 44 and my feelings are of relief when confronted with children, rather than envy.

I’m much more likely to think to myself: ‘Thank goodness MY home is so much more quiet and peaceful.’

I belong to a growing group of women who have opted to not have children. Recent statistics from the Office of National Statistics reveal that among women born in 1977, 16 percent have chosen to remain child-free – a figure that is 2 percent higher than the previous generation of women.

So I’ve agreed with Paul, my boyfriend who I share our home with, that we won’t have a family larger than us two and our two cats. 

Erica Crompton, 44, at her home in Staffordshire with her partner Paul and one of their cats 

Erica said that she’s thought long and hard about having children but ultimately decided it wasn’t the right path for her 

Erika enjoying a beer on a trip to Blankenberge, Belgium. Despite a relatively low income, not having children means she can still afford trips away with her partner 

Paul’s relieved he won’t have to do the school run into his sixties. For me, I’m relieved. 

It’s left me glad of all stress, trauma and anxiety I’ve left behind. I live with a mental illness, schizo-affective disorder, and I’ve thought very deeply about babies before making my decision.

Now with Mother’s Day being celebrated, it’s made me reflect again on my decision and the realisations I’ve come to about being child-free by choice.  

MORE CASH

For me child free living is about enjoying life, stress free and racking up more time and cash. I’m only on 16K a year, and Paul takes home the same. 

But with just two of us to feed and clothe leaves us with lots of spare cash for life’s little luxuries and the occasional holiday. 

I’d not have been able to save to get on the property ladder while forking out school fees for a child. So, yes, I still have a nice suntan from our recent week’s holiday in Agadir and the £75 hand-painted cat bowls I’ve imported from Kashmir arrive from India this weekend.

Erica with her mother Lol as a baby. She said their relationship has flourished because she has more time to nurture it 

Erica’s mother Lol suffered a stroke some years ago (pictured before her illness) and her daughter appreciates having extra time to spend with her and their close relationship 

MORE TIME TO WRITE

I live my nice, relaxed lifestyle as an occasional journalist and writer. I’ve written publicly about needing a little help from the State to boost my income to £16Kpa, but child free women like me still cost less than a single mum does. 

But I do enjoy writing, it’s a cathartic release for me. And writing for me acts a little like an online diary. I doubt I’d find time to work or write amid an extra set of clothes to wash.

MORE TIME WITH CATS

And how can I write about the benefits of a child free life without mentioning my two lovely fur-babies, two adopted Tom cats called Caspar and Winter? 

These are my babies and they shower me with affection daily in return for cat treats. 

Unlike children, they won’t add to my carbon footprint, either (apart, perhaps, from the dozens of dead shrews they bring home?) The thing I love most about my fur-babies though, is that they don’t talk back.

Erica and her partner Paul can enjoy their weekends without having to entertain young children 

THE PEACE AND QUIET

Weekends are to relax and unwind, and I don’t envy the weekend schedule of parents who need to keep their children entertained. I enjoy inhaling my coffee at a sensible 9am. I feel content with this lifestyle. 

Paul uses a wheelchair so I’m happy to pop his socks on. But for me to get a reluctant tween washed and dressed, then on top of that drive them to the zoo to coo over a caged zebra? 

I’d prefer just to have a chilled one – coffees, lunch then maybe a cheeky glass or two of champagne in the evening. With lots of time to wallow in a hungover the next day.

HAIR AND LEGS OF A 21 YEAR OLD

It’s easy to forget I’m 44 when I’m busy doing very little. But I’ve aged much better than the parents in my life who all have grey hairs post 35 years. 

I am still searching for that single grey strand, a hard won slither of silver. But nope – not one! I’ve not had to diet too much, either. I’m the average weight of a British women, yet a few inches taller. I think I’m in good nick for my age.

NO RELAPSES

I’ve written about the theme of having babies while living with a mental illness like mine for this paper. 

Emails addressed to me from my article were on the whole good, but there are also quite few daughters or sons of mothers or fathers living with severe mental illnesses, who resented their folks for putting them on a yo-yo of hospital visits. 

And fathers and mothers with psychosis, anxiety or depression whose children have held back their own recovery.

NO MENTAL ILLNESS FOR A CHILD

So today I feel exceedingly content with my decision to live the rest of my life free from the daily stress of nappies and noise – there’ll be no more mental illness for another, and I don’t have the added burden of responsibility. 

I can’t help but feel with psychotic illnesses like mine having a strong genetic component that it could be cruel having a baby, especially if they inherit psychosis. But also super stressful to raise them – putting me in jeopardy of a relapse.

MORE TIME WITH MY OWN MUM

And finally, one thing that does come with age is an appreciation of our own parents. In particular, my own mum. I’ve so much more time and affection for my own Mum, Lol. 

I’ve certainly got more time to spend with her than my sister who had a child. I see my mum most weeks and love it. She had a stroke some years ago and I’m so in awe of her strength of spirit, her sparkling wit and humour in the face of a terrible illness.

Next time a friend leaves me on ‘read’, or I get another OOO from a woman on maternity leave, I pledge to hold my own mother closer. 

She had hoped to go child-free when she was young but societal norms had other plans for her.

I’m delighted to honour her child-free dream.