It’s that common stereotype surrounding married partners: the wife who frequently ‘has a headache’ and does not show interest in sexual intimacy, leaving the frustrated husband feeling neglected, possibly only receiving attention on special occasions like his birthday.
As a single woman, I’ve always found this stereotype puzzling. Isn’t a consistent and fulfilling sex life one of the fundamental aspects of being married? Well, maybe not the sole focus, but undoubtedly a crucial component?
Could it be that countless married couples are simply navigating their day-to-day lives without engaging in physical intimacy, essentially leading a platonic coexistence rather than a passionate romantic partnership? To explore this further, I decided to consult my candid Instagram followers, and surprisingly, the general consensus leaned towards a somewhat reluctant affirmation!
And to make things even more intriguing, I also had quite a few men slide into my DMs, eager to read this article because, apparently, they’re completely clueless about why their wives no longer want to sleep with them.
So buckle up (and men, you might want to grab a pen and take some notes), because we’re diving into a topic that’s often swept under the rug: the sexless marriage.
What happens when that spark just fizzles out, and the thought of sleeping with your husband ranks somewhere below folding laundry?
Many of you shared your stories and, trust me, they were raw, real and an absolute eye-opener. The most common complaints? Firstly, lazy husbands who don’t help around the house. Secondly, men who are too proud to visit the doctor about their sexual problems… oh, and cheaters – women may forgive, but they won’t forget.
Without further ado, let’s get into it, shall we?
Ten brave women have shared with Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking their reasons for why they stopped having sex with their husbands
‘He lost his libido and refuses help’
Apparently, it’s not always the woman who doesn’t want to have sex.
One of my followers told me she and her husband had always had a ‘decent sex life’ but his libido started slowing down in recent years.
Now, of course, this happens: a man in his 40s isn’t going to be up and raring to go like he was at 18. But there are medical options available – and the problem for this couple is that the husband, er, wasn’t interested.
‘I’ve suggested he goes to the doctor to get it checked out because a friend told me her husband had the same problem after his testosterone levels dropped with age.
‘His doctor gave him a gel to fix it, but my husband said it doesn’t bother him enough to get it sorted. Well, it bothers me!
‘He constantly turns me down, and on the rare occasion he’s keen, it feels like pity sex. I want to be patient and understanding, but after a while, I stopped bothering.
‘What’s the point when every attempt leaves you feeling more frustrated than satisfied?’
One woman is convinced her husband’s waning libido is due to low testosterone. There are treatments available, some of which his friends have tried, but he doesn’t think there’s an issue
‘He let himself go, and now I’m repulsed’
As women, we feel under constant pressure to stay in shape. Men, it seems, not so much, as one unhappy wife explained to me.
She recounted an all-too-familiar story. When she first met her husband, he was fit, energetic and fun. But, over the years, he let himself go.
‘He’s got this pudgy beer belly, is always laying on the couch watching footy instead of being active, and the constant farting and belching repulses me.
‘At first, I tried to encourage him to get active again, but he wasn’t interested. And honestly, watching him stuff his face every night while I try to maintain some semblance of self-care has killed my attraction to him.
‘I know marriage is supposed to be about more than looks, but when someone doesn’t even try, it’s hard to feel like putting in the effort yourself.’
‘Because I’m cheating on him’
Unsurprisingly, unfulfilling sex is leading women to look elsewhere.
One woman confessed she stopped having sex with her husband because she wants to stay loyal to her lover – a man who made her feel alive again after years of rejection.
‘I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’m cheating on my husband because I felt invisible at home. My husband barely looked at me, let alone touched me, and when he did, he lasted roughly two minutes and didn’t even kiss me goodnight afterwards.
‘So when a guy at work started paying me a bit more attention, I felt alive again. The sex with him has become addictive and I can’t get enough of it.
‘I don’t think I love him, but I love how he makes me feel, plus I’ve stopped caring that my husband doesn’t find me attractive, because I’ve found someone else who does.
‘I don’t know what it means for our marriage long-term; for now, I want to stay because our children are still in school. But at the moment I’m happy with having both a stable, albeit boring, marriage and some fun on the side.’
One woman confessed she stopped having sex with her husband because she wants to stay loyal to her lover – a man who made her feel alive again after years of rejection
‘He didn’t want to hurt the baby – or so he said’
The story of this reader hit me right in the feels. She fell pregnant early in the relationship, and her husband’s reaction was… let’s just say, less than romantic.
Once she became pregnant he ‘wouldn’t come near me’. Apparently he was ‘scared to hurt the baby’. Er, perhaps he needs a biology lesson.
After that, their intimacy became so infrequent that she could count on one hand how many times they did the deed – and two of those encounters resulted in children!
She admits that if it weren’t for their kids, she would have gladly ended the marriage.
‘I would have been quite happy for him to f*** himself instead of me.’
It took 14 years of barely any sex before she had the courage to call it quits.
‘Now I’ve found real love with a man who makes me feel cherished every single day.’
‘Endometriosis took over, then he was just a roommate’
This next reader’s journey is sadly familiar for anyone dealing with chronic pain.
She was battling endometriosis, a condition that made sex painful, sometimes impossible, for years.
And when she finally got through the medical hurdles and had a hysterectomy, she felt like her emotional connection with her husband had been removed along with it.
‘After I had my hysterectomy and recovered, I just saw him as a good friend or flatmate.’
Let’s face it, when you’ve spent years associating your partner with pain, it’s tough to flip the switch back to lust. For her, the spark was gone, and it wasn’t coming back.
‘He was a narcissist – sex was always about him’
This reader’s husband was, in her words, ‘a narcissist’. His performance in the bedroom was no exception.
‘He expected to have sex whenever he wanted and for me to turn it on like a tap,’ she said.
As she realised her husband’s true nature, the desire just drained out of her. It didn’t help that he turned to nightly drinking, which only deepened the divide between them.
In an attempt to spice things up, he bought her a vibrator, thinking he had somehow stumbled upon the solution to all their problems. It backfired: she enjoyed the toy a lot more than she enjoyed him – and he didn’t like that one bit.
‘He got jealous and installed a camera in the bedroom.’
Yes, you read that right – a camera. The ultimate betrayal of privacy, and a surefire way to kill any remaining feelings.
This anonymous wife said the sex was bad anyway, as he was always focused on his own needs, never hers.
‘I don’t know how I made it to 20 years!’ she told me.
Now, she’s single at 60, and having the best sex of her life – with someone else.
The moral of her story? Bad husbands are replaceable, but good sex isn’t. Also, for the love of god, learn how to pleasure a woman, not just focus on your own needs.
‘Motherhood took over’
For many women, the shift to a sexless marriage happens not because of a single incident but because of the all-encompassing, overwhelming nature of motherhood.
One reader summed it up perfectly: ‘Motherhood, the throes of breastfeeding, kids clinging onto you, housework piling up… Being so “touched out” you don’t want to be touched by anyone.’
After a day of non-stop demands from tiny humans, the idea of even more physical contact can feel overwhelming.
The mental load of parenting, the exhaustion and the relentless need to put everyone else first left little room for intimacy for this tired wife.
It’s not that the love vanished; it just became buried under a mountain of sticky handprints, unwashed laundry and responsibilities.
‘He cheated while I raised his children’
A stay-at-home mum shared with me how things changed dramatically after she gave up her job to look after the kids. Her husband worked long hours and often travelled, leaving her to handle the brunt of childcare and household duties alone.
‘At first, I thought it was just the stress of parenting,’ she explained. ‘But the longer it went on, the more I realised we weren’t connecting at all – not emotionally, not physically, we were leading very separate lives and it drove us apart.’
She tried to talk to him about how she felt neglected, but he dismissed her concerns as overreacting.
She later discovered he’d been having an ’emotional affair’ (although I suspect it was more than that) with someone else during his work trips.
‘It broke me. How could I even think about being intimate with someone who betrayed me while I raised his children?’
After taking time to rebuild her confidence, thanks to meditation, therapy and a newfound love for the gym, she focused on herself and rediscovered what it felt like to feel valued again. She’s now back in a job she loves and in the process of getting a divorce.
The woman who lost interest after menopause
Another woman spoke of how her marriage of more than 20 years lost its spark.
‘We love each other, no question about that. But somewhere along the way, we stopped trying,’ she said. She compared her marriage to eating the same meal every day for years – it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t exciting either.
For her, post-menopause brought physical changes to her body that made sex less appealing, and her husband’s own insecurities about his ageing body didn’t help.
‘We both kind of silently agreed to just… not talk about it. And the longer we’ve left it, the harder it feels to even think about fixing it.’
She now turns to erotic books to get her fix, and looks at her marriage as just a form of companionship. The love is still there, but neither of them are motivated to reignite the intimacy.
‘It’s like we’re comfortable but stuck at the same time.’
How to avoid the pitfall of a sexless marriage
So, what’s the takeaway?
If there’s one thing that stands out from these stories, it’s that the reasons for a dwindling sex life are as diverse as the women who experience them.
Sometimes it’s physical pain or emotional neglect; other times it’s the sheer exhaustion that comes with motherhood, housework and just trying to keep your head above water.
But what all these women have in common is this: the feeling that their needs weren’t met, that they were unseen, unheard and unappreciated. And when intimacy turns into a chore or a source of dread, it’s only natural that desire takes a back seat.
Having read these stories, the message is clear: intimacy doesn’t survive on autopilot. It needs effort, communication and, dare I say it, a partner who actually knows how to prioritise your pleasure (A prod and a grunt isn’t going to cut it, gents!).
Ladies, if you’re nodding along thinking ‘yep, that’s me’, it might be time to shake things up.
And fellas, if you’re still reading, go use this information to be better (may I also suggest helping out more with the housework and child-rearing?) because, trust me, no one wants to end up in a sexless marriage – or worse – a divorce court.
Life’s too short for bad sex and mediocre relationships.
