A British woman has reflected on her secret life as a high-functioning alcoholic – and how her habit nearly cost her everything.
Nicky, a 51-year-old woman from Bury, Manchester, shared that she heavily relied on alcohol to cope with the emotional pain following her husband Andy’s heart attack. She recalled how she consumed an entire bottle of wine while Andy was being rushed to the hospital in an attempt to numb her feelings.
Even at the hospital, Nicky managed to sneak vodka in to sustain her drinking habits. Her world shattered when she realized that Andy, her life partner of almost two decades, had sustained a devastating brain injury, causing him to forget her existence.
Witnessing Andy’s health deteriorate, Nicky resorted to alcohol consumption throughout the day. Despite masking her addiction from her family, she juggled running a successful business and caring for her teenage son amidst the aftermath of Andy’s tragic passing in 2020.
After a phase she described as ‘the darkest of days’, Nicky decided to reclaim her life – with the entrepreneur pledging complete abstinence and checking herself into rehab last November.
Like most drinkers, Nicky got into alcohol in her teens. She began with bottles of cider then moved on to wine and spirits.
She enjoyed bars and clubs while doing well at work and, by the time she was in her thirties, was in a fast-paced, stressful role running her own successful events company. Drinking helped deal with the stress.
‘My life consisted of business lunches, after-work drinks and organising boozy awards shows,’ Nicky said. ‘Wine and champagne became almost a daily staple.
A British woman has reflected on her secret life as a high-functioning alcoholic – and how drinking nearly ruined her life after her husband’s death
Nicky and her husband Andy, who passed away in 2020 after suffering a catastrophic brain injury. Here the couple are pictured during happier times
Like most drinkers, Nicky got into alcohol in her teens. She began with bottles of cider then moved on to wine and spirits
‘At this point I didn’t see my drinking as problematic, I was young, fairly healthy and living my best life.’
In 2004, she married her best friend and soulmate Andy and they often drank together, pouring large glasses of wine to wind down after a successful day.
They were overjoyed when they fell pregnant with their son Finn 17 years ago, though the nine months Nicky spent sober felt like the longest of her life.
‘I was literally counting the days till I could drink,’ she said. ‘I remember begging Andy to bring me wine to the hospital to celebrate.
‘I struggled to breastfeed so fairly quickly slipped back into daily drinking in a sleep-deprived haze of a new mum while struggling with postnatal depression trying to numb how I was feeling.’
The couple occasionally talked about cutting back but alcohol remained a staple in their life.
‘I lunched every day with wine, travelled extensively sipping champagne on business class flights and opened a bottle of wine as soon as I walked through the door after work,’ Nicky recalled.
‘I was definitely drinking daily, often starting at midday. Sundays were very special in our house, it was the one day I tried to not work and relaxed by spending quality time together.
In 2004, she married her best friend and soulmate Andy and they often drank together, pouring large glasses of wine to wind down after a successful day
‘Andy always cooked a legendary roast dinner and we opened the wine at lunchtime drinking steadily throughout the day until bedtime.’
Then, in 2017, the couple was struck by tragedy. Andy suffered a series of heart attacks, one of which saw Nicky performing CPR for 40 minutes until the ambulance arrived.
‘I remember as the ambulance crew took over running to the wine rack and drinking a bottle of wine to numb the shock of such a horrific experience,’ she said, tearfully.
Andy was put into an induced coma and Nicky was left with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). For two weeks she sat at his bedside and prayed for a miracle, while drowning her pain with the vodka and diet coke that she had smuggled into the hospital.
‘I was drinking to get me through the day and drinking myself to sleep while my world fell apart. Thankfully my incredible network of friends and family stepped in to help with Finn and the business through some truly awful times,’ Nicky explained.
Even as they were still coming to terms with Andy’s health crisis, the family were to suffer another devastating blow when he was brought round and it was clear that he had suffered a catastrophic brain injury.
He was unable to walk or talk and didn’t know who he was, where he was or who his wife Nicky was.
‘My beautiful wonderful husband’s life had been devastated by a terrible tragedy,’ she said. ‘His consultant told me “Mrs Wake I’m sorry but your story does not have a happy ending” and he was right.
Then, in 2017, the couple was struck by tragedy. Andy suffered a series of heart attacks, one of which saw Nicky performing CPR for 40 minutes until the ambulance arrived. ‘I remember as the ambulance crew took over running to the wine rack and drinking a bottle of wine to numb the shock of such a horrific experience,’ she recalled
‘Andy was admitted to a specialist nursing home requiring round-the-clock care.
‘I entered a terrible dark period of limbo, knowing I was going to lose Andy but unsure how long this nightmare would continue. Visits to the nursing home were horrific, Andy was often angry, confused, violent, hallucinating, confused, and barely ever recognised me.
‘I hated every second of my life and what it had become. I started drinking heavily and daily just to get through the day, to numb the pain. I started drinking earlier and earlier.
‘I was, however, a highly functioning alcoholic. I never missed a day’s work and Finn was in school on time every day.
‘I became exceptionally good at hiding my drinking; thankfully the business was doing well and often I was on expenses, so the finances to buy wine weren’t an issue.
‘I spent every waking hour wondering when I could drink, when was it acceptable. It was a terrible internal daily struggle.’
Nicky began drinking secretly, hiding bottles, stashing vodka in coke containers and getting Ubers everywhere so she could drink throughout the day.
‘We went into lockdown which further enabled my drinking because we couldn’t leave the house and there was no reason to stop drinking. We couldn’t see friends or family; it was the darkest of days.’
Even as they were still coming to terms with Andy’s health crisis, the family were to suffer another devastating blow when he was brought round and it was clear that he had suffered a catastrophic brain injury
And they were only going to get darker for Nicky. Andy lost his life to Covid in 2020 at the age of 57 – and his grieving widow’s life fell apart entirely.
‘Lockdown finally ended, normality resumed but my drinking continued,’ she said. ‘I kept trying to cut back but struggled, my anxiety and depression was unbearable.
‘My drinking was causing me mobility issues and panic attacks rendering me, at times terrified, to walk distances or leave the house. I suffered two falls resulting in trips to hospital.
‘My confidence was at rock bottom, I was broken and depressed. I tried to go cold turkey and stop drinking which resulted in another trip to A&E.’
Despite all of this, Nicky never lost her ambition and worked through the whole period. She turned the tragedy and adversity she encountered into something positive and set up two niche apps; chapter2dating.app and widowsfire.dating to help the widowed community find joy in their futures – both of which were a huge success.
Then in November last year, she woke up one morning and decided enough was enough. She used her private medical insurance to pay for rehab and went into The Priory where she did a medical detox and extensive therapy.
‘I am now 130 days sober and the happiest and healthiest I have ever been,’ she shared.
‘I am swimming daily, trying to make amends with friends and family, who have been so very hurt and worried throughout the past eight years, and I am trying to make up for lost time.
After years of succumbing to her addiction, while hiding her habit from her friends and family, Nicky decided to quit drinking last November – after Andy’s death in 2020
‘I am more productive than ever and have channelled this newfound energy and lust for life into creating my new business SoberLove.app – a dating and friendship app for the sober community and the sober curious.
‘For anyone who fears that perhaps drink is damaging to their health or their relationships with family, friends or lovers, I’d say if you are even thinking that, then it probably is and it may be time to consider sobriety.
‘I knew I had an addictive personality, I could never have just one, so total abstinence is the only way forward for me personally,’ Nicky reflected on her decision to stop drinking after Andy’s death.
‘Yes it was challenging, yes, it was damn hard at times but I have no regrets, stopping drinking literally saved my life, has given me a sense of hope and purpose and has improved my relationships with my son, my family and my friends immeasurably.
‘I thought I was beyond help but if you seek the right help and support you can do it.
‘If I can, literally anyone can.
‘As someone who is in recovery and understands the challenges that brings when trying to form new relationships, I hope Sober Love provides a vibrant supportive community where sober people can connect with others and find renewed happiness.’
