The true experience of choosing to wait until your wedding day to have sex: MINREET KAUR remained a virgin until she got married at 27, and she explains the reasons she ended up feeling remorseful about it.

‘How can you still be a virgin?’ 

One of the many questions I would be asked when I was in my twenties.

‘Don’t you want to know what it feels like to have sex with someone before you get married?’ was the other question when I had met someone.

I got divorced 15 years ago and haven’t had sex since then.

Now I get asked ‘Have you not slept with anyone since your divorce?’

Before I got married it was always this question ‘Why do you want to save yourself for your husband? You should get some experience first’.

Telling people I wanted to save that special moment resulted in funny looks. Many would say ‘Are you frigid?’.

I really felt something was wrong with me for a long time, because I hadn’t met a lot of people who were virgins. 

Sex wasn’t openly discussed in the past, but it has become a prominent topic nowadays. The focus has shifted from saving oneself for marriage to the quantity of people one can engage with for pleasure.

I had a strict upbringing and I wasn’t allowed out much. 

I was too scared to date guys so I never really had a boyfriend, a physical relationship with anyone wasn’t something I would even think of doing.

Being a British Indian, the traditional approach towards relationships differs. Even my parents, for instance, did not engage in dating others; they were introduced and allowed to develop a connection in a manner that was prevalent at that time when people believed in saving themselves for their life partners.

After university, the conversation on marriage came about.

Suddenly everyone was saying when are you getting married?

I got married at the age of 27.

I wanted to keep my virginity until the day I got married, it’s something I always thought would mean so much to me.

The day came and the build-up to sharing something so special with my husband was so exciting.

I thought, this is what everyone looks forward to. I was excited to share that intimacy with someone I’d saved myself for.

But when it came to it, it wasn’t anything special to be honest.

I was sleeping with someone I hardly knew.

There weren’t any feelings or love. It was a failure before the big day and that was what I felt when we were physical.

The biggest regret I have is losing my virginity to someone which ended in divorce. 

I didn’t even feel anything for him and it was all the pressure around me that made me go ahead with it.

My friends know I saved myself, a close friend at the time was someone I spoke to about it openly and she was very supportive and understanding.

My family knew I was a virgin and was saving myself.

I’m close to my mum but it wasn’t something I could talk about with other family, it’s a very personal thing.

I do feel a lot of my friends who had dated and slept with their boyfriends did get that experience.

Maybe that made their physical relationship healthier but for me there wasn’t any spark.

Reflecting on this, I now believe that having had the experience of dating and forming a meaningful relationship with someone I truly connected with would have enhanced the physical aspect of the relationship significantly.

It would have made it special and having sex with someone who you have that attraction and chemistry with is what anyone wants.

People would say to me ‘Are you saving yourself because you’re scared of your faith?’

I never thought of it that way as that wasn’t the reason, it’s just in the Indian community the woman does save herself for marriage, we just don’t want to sleep around with lots of men. 

For me it was more a case of being ‘pure’ as growing up I would hear stories when people would say on the wedding night you need to make sure you bleed because if you don’t your husband will know you have lost your virginity to someone else, and in some cases women didn’t bleed and the men left them.

My faith does tell us about the five vices and one is ‘lust’ and how the mind can make you think and do a lot of wrong things.

In my faith, it’s about two souls becoming one, so you share that something intimate and special with your husband and no one else and if you have those thoughts of lust then it’s wrong and you need to cleanse your mind.

I was 27 when I lost my virginity.

The experience was scary when you’re new to all of this and have never slept with anyone. 

I didn’t know what to do, I felt nervous and anxious as I didn’t know what happened or how it happened. I do remember a lot of people saying that when you first lose your virginity you bleed and that freaked me out. I remember it being painful and I bled which wasn’t exactly a pleasant experience.

I had people laugh at me and say it’s not normal to save yourself. 

But I was conscious about catching a virus.

People would tell me having sex they end up with UTIs or thrush I would rather save myself for one person than be in several different relationships and have sex with lots of people. 

For me ‘sex’ isn’t about having fun it’s about sharing that physical relationship with one person and that intimacy is between two people it means so much more.

It’s harder when you’ve saved yourself for marriage, you end up divorced and your family and friends all know you slept together.

The words ‘virgin’ and saving yourself in my community aren’t spoken about enough, but I know there are lots of women out there like me who have never wanted to play the field and have saved themselves for their marriage, and it’s ended in divorce.

What we get labelled as after is used goods. 

People in the Asian community look at you with this funny look as if to say we know what you did and now you’re divorced, it’s like we are dirty because we are no longer with our husbands.

Having a physical relationship and sex with someone you love means so much more than just having sex for the sake of it. 

I regret a lot of things in my relationship and having sex is the biggest regret, I wish I had never done anything with him and saved myself for the right person.

But now I am in my 40s I do wonder when I meet men why they seem to be so forward.

It’s because many think once you’ve had sex you can’t live without it.

They think if she’s not had it for this many years maybe we can fill that gap.

The truth is for me I don’t miss something I never enjoyed.

I can happily say I have saved myself since then. I am waiting for the right person.

I hope the person will have saved themselves too because they think it’s also special. 

I am quite traditional and I like to do things the way my parents would in some ways.

I am not into these physical relationships first and then dating each other as that’s what’s happening now, people want to know who is good in bed first.

For me, I think if women out there save themselves that first time you share that physical relationship it should be something you always remember and it stays with you. 

I get a lot of people say to me I should go out and live life, sleep with guys and have fun but it’s not me.

I am not that type of woman and my idea of saving yourself means that night is made so special that it’s always there and it leaves a lasting impression which you never forget.

I had no idea how hard it would be afterwards trying to avoid conversations from people asking me how it was on my first night, it’s not something I wanted to talk about.

I wanted to forget it so I would just say it was ok and tell people that I didn’t want to talk about it and left it at that. 

The regret that still is instilled in me is that I saved myself for the wrong person and maybe if I had an open mind I would have ended up with someone else and things would have been very different.

I look at it like I am still saving myself and I hope one day I meet that special someone where that special night brings more joy than sadness. 

For me I try to forget about the night I lost my virginity and look to the future for a brighter and happier future and a physical relationship that is more than just sex.