‘Was it an arranged marriage?’
It’s the first question people ask when I tell them I’m divorced.
Some people in the Asian community may not realize that divorce can occur in non-arranged marriages as well. It’s not just limited to arranged marriages.
When I got married more than 15 years ago, it was ‘semi-arranged’.
We hardly knew one another when we were introduced through the Gurdwara matrimonial service at a Sikh temple in west London.
It was fairly strict that we couldn’t meet up a lot, so we didn’t.
I was a virgin as I always wanted to share that special moment with my husband.
I thought I would have time to get to know him first and have the physical relationship that love marriages do.
At the time, I felt the cultural pressure mostly from the community, people would always ask if I had met anyone and – if not – why not?
MINREET KAUR (pictured) was 27 when she got married in a semi-arranged marriage. Here she speak to other women about what sex is really like
A lot of my friends were married, so I felt I better get a move on.
Looking back now, I think I rushed it, I actually didn’t really know my ex, and before you know it we were married.
I remember that first night, feeling nervous about getting intimate with someone I don’t really know.
In most cases, newly married couples spend their first night together away from their families. However, in my situation, we stayed in the family home where my ex-husband and seven other family members resided under the same roof.
How can you actually relax? I was already feeling awkward about it.
Our physical intimacy was quite limited, mainly confined to the first night of marriage and sporadically thereafter. I don’t dwell on those experiences much now.
The sex was non-existent as I had a lot of issues in my marriage.
What bothers me more now is I lost my virginity to someone who was a stranger.
Really and there was nothing between us and I never loved him.
As I reflect on things, I realise that what many people would look forward to is having that intimate relationship with their partner and feeling that connection, I never had, it was just something you do when you’re married, in fact I felt sick inside because the person I married wasn’t someone I felt close to.
My example isn’t unique. I’ve spoken to other women who have shared their stories about what sex is really like in an arranged marriage.
MINREET: My example isn’t unique. I’ve spoken to other women who have shared their stories about what sex is really like in an arranged marriage (stock image)
We had sex three times a week, until it started to go wrong
Tina* has been married 10 years, it was an arranged marriage.
‘Initially there was a lot more attraction, at least from my side, and sex was also very frequent twice to three times a week.
‘I wouldn’t say there was an instant connection, but there certainly was attraction and also love from both sides I suppose,’.
Tina added that gradually there were a lot of differences between them and this started becoming apparent.
‘Sex has been affected as well and now I don’t even feel like having sex with him, due to the lack of emotional connect and love.
‘This was more to do with our respective upbringing.
‘I was brought up in a broad- minded family where both genders were treated equally while my husband’s family although projected themselves to be very modern, but were the typical Indian in- laws who want an educated daughter in law and still want her to stay quiet and work both at home and work outside.
‘Even with this friction, still sex and love was good and enjoyable at both ends up to various years. Then my baby was born a couple of years ago.
‘There was a lot of drama related to in laws, and friction between us increased, with the husband emotionally hurting me many times over.
‘As a result, unfortunately gradually I no longer feel the emotional connect with him anymore, nor do I feel that I love him anymore.
‘This hasn’t happened overnight and the feeling has set in after years of getting hurt.
‘Sex has been affected as well and now I don’t even feel like having sex with him, due to the lack of emotional connect and love.
‘So, the frequency has drastically reduced in the last couple of years to only twice- thrice monthly.’
Women in arranged marriages often struggle with intimacy
Satinder Panesar, psychotherapist and clinical consultant from Glasgow works with a lot of clients who are women in arranged marriages from the South Asian community.
‘These women often face significant challenges in their relationship with sex and intimacy.
‘One of the most common issues is the lack of emotional connection with their spouse.
Minreet is pictured. She had a ‘semi-arranged’ marriage
‘Many enter marriage with little or no prior relationship, making physical intimacy feel more like an obligation than a mutual expression of love or desire.
‘Without emotional closeness, sex can become transactional, leaving women feeling detached or even resentful.
‘A major concern is the absence of informed consent.
‘In some cases, women may not have had a real choice in accepting the marriage, leading to situations where sex feels forced rather than voluntary.
‘Cultural and familial expectations often reinforce the idea that fulfilling a husband’s sexual needs is a wife’s duty, making it difficult for women to voice discomfort or set boundaries.
‘This is compounded by the fact that marital rape is rarely acknowledged within many South Asian communities, and in some countries, it is not even legally recognised as a crime.
‘Even in places where it is, cultural and religious beliefs discourage women from speaking out, leaving them without protection or recourse.’
The expectation to conform to traditional gender roles also plays a crucial role in shaping women’s experiences within marriage.
Many are raised with the belief that their primary purpose is to be a good wife and mother, which includes being sexually available to their husbands.
As a result, they may feel obligated to engage in sex even when they do not want to, for fear of being seen as a ‘bad wife’ or bringing shame to their family.
Saying no can carry severe consequences, including emotional abuse, physical violence, or abandonment. In extreme cases, women risk being disowned by their own families if they seek separation or divorce.
The burden of societal pressure makes it even more difficult for women to address these struggles.
Divorce is highly stigmatised, and women who leave their marriages often face judgment, financial instability, loss of custody of their children, and exclusion from their communities.
With so many barriers to seeking help, many women feel trapped in their situations, enduring years of emotional and physical suffering in silence.
These challenges highlight the urgent need for greater awareness, education, and support for women in arranged marriages.
Creating safe spaces where women can talk about their experiences, learn about consent, and seek help without fear of shame or retaliation is essential in breaking the cycle of silence and trauma.’
Women who had arranged marriages reveal how the sex can be non-existent, excellent or frequent (stock image)
I was promised to a man at 17 – he was convinced i’d be ready to have sex with him. I would wake up and he would be touching me and I would have to physically get out of bed to stop him going further
Samina* has been married for almost twenty years. It was also an arranged marriage she was 17 at the time. He was living in Pakistan and she was in the UK.
‘I was totally against it. But back then I was a very naive, sheltered teen so although my parents were strict they wouldn’t have forced me.
‘I used the excuse of studying to move away from home and delay the marriage and luckily, they allowed me to.
‘I was the first female to attend university and live away from home so I had a few battles to get there.
‘Again luckily, my parents were pro-education so they reluctantly agreed, whereas some of my uncles were not happy that I was doing this!
After University Samina’s parents brought up arranged marriage again but were still very much set on the same person or another guy both from Pakistan.
‘I wasn’t attracted to him but I had heard positive things from lots for different people about his characteristics and personality which seemed to match my values.’
In 2003, the family and Samina visited Pakistan.
‘I was able to speak to him on a few occasions with family present. I was still undecided at this point.
‘When we returned, he got my email address from a mutual friend and began to email me.
‘At this point my parents began to pressure me to make a decision and it would be fair to say they were emotionally pressuring me to say yes- whether they realised this is what they were doing or not!
‘In late 2004 I agreed and my dad started the ball rolling with regards to him coming over on a spousal visa. We eventually got married in May 2005 in the UK.
‘Last minute, I decided I didn’t want to marry him and that I was only doing it to please my parents. My friends encouraged me to speak to my parents.
‘My parents were very upset and couldn’t understand why? They felt it would ruin their honour in the face of his family and their community if I said no as his family were either already in the UK.
‘When it came to the intimate relationship, he was under the impression that as soon as we were married we would be active sexually.
‘I put a stop to that straight away and said I want us to have time to get to know one another.
‘Although he agreed, he struggled to stick to this and it caused a few issues at the start of our marriage.
‘Strangely, when in Pakistan, a month or so after the wedding we did have consensual sex once and it was fine but back in the UK I feel there were too many other complications and I often didn’t want to.
‘After twenty years of marriage and fourkids later, I can say he’s a good guy but he’s not for me! He doesn’t want to separate but I do. I want to put myself first, something I’ve not been able to do before.’
‘I got married at 24 but the discussions started at 17. I felt pressure to have sex at the start and saying no wasn’t enough.
‘A few times I would wake up and he would be touching me and I would have to physically get out of bed to stop him going further.
‘This is what actually caused a few issues as I wanted to get to know him first and not jump into a sexual relationship. However, when I equated his behaviour to rape he did stop.
‘Over the years of our marriage I have definitely had sex just to please him or to stop him bugging me! However I’m not sure if that would be different in a non-arranged marriage. I connect more on an emotional/intellectual level and he connects more on a physical level.’
*Names have been changed
