Jenni Murray’s recent piece in the Mail detailing her lifelong struggles with food and weight due to her mother’s fixation on being thin left me deeply saddened.
It prompted me to consider how our parents can have a profound impact on our sense of self.
Our upbringing plays a significant role in shaping who we become. The words and actions of our parents during our formative years can leave lasting impacts, influencing our adult lives and even haunting us for decades. On the flip side, when parents offer the right support and guidance, they can set their children up for success in life. The responsibility is immense.
Unfortunately, parents are rarely provided with expert advice on how to navigate the complexities of raising children without causing harm. Even the most well-intentioned parents often find themselves navigating parenthood blindly, doing their best and hoping it turns out alright.
Many like Jenni’s late mother are dealing with profound issues themselves and unwittingly or otherwise pass them on to their children.
One of the most damaging traits parents can have is endeavouring to be too perfect – trying to control their children so everything goes exactly how they think it should.
And it’s this approach – and the loss of agency the child experiences as a result – that is at the root of so many problems I see when that child grows up into an adult.
I’ve come across many parents who are mindful of the profound impact they can have on their offspring – but have, ironically, messed up precisely because they want to make sure they do it ‘just right’.
One of the most damaging traits parents can have is endeavouring to be too perfect – trying to control their children so everything goes exactly how they think it should
The situation seems to be getting worse, mostly I suspect because we are having fewer children, and so feel more invested in the ones we do have, while living busier lives. Increasingly, both parents work long hours, feel guilty for spending less time at home, then overcompensate by believing the time they do have with their children must be perfect.
They are often called ‘helicopter parents’ because they spend all their free time hovering over their offspring, catering to their every need and whim.
They project their anxieties on to their children and obsess over the most trivial of problems, when this is the last thing a child needs.
In fact, research shows that teenagers and young adults tend to be more anxious and struggle to cope with the transition to adulthood if they have over-involved or controlling parents.
Certainly, I see this a lot in my own work. Older teenagers and those in their early 20s who come to see me have often developed issues ranging from eating disorders to depression.
They struggle to take responsibility and live in a perpetual state of adolescence, never quite able to be independent and lacking resilience to deal with the difficulties and setbacks of life.
In response, their parents have often stepped in, taken over and tried to sort out any problems because they see their young charges struggling – and thus perpetuate the very issues they need to solve.
Much of the psychotherapeutic work I and my colleagues carry out with young adults with mental health problems is about teaching them to develop independence and responsibility for their thoughts and feelings.
This teaches them how to take charge of their lives.
And, often, the hardest part of this process is persuading the parents to let go and allow their children to do this.
The late paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott wrote about the importance of the ‘good enough mother’, someone who tried their best but who inevitably failed at times.
This very failure, he argued, paradoxically made children learn to stand on their own feet and produced stable, secure adults.
If parents are perfect, the child never has to mentally separate from their caregiver and so remains in a state of perpetual dependence.
They never learn how to deal with frustration or anxiety or uncertainty. Winnicott argued the aim of a parent is not to provide perfect care but rather to ensure the child has its basic physical and emotional needs met – and not much more.
I find this theory incredibly refreshing and liberating. Every parent worries they’re not good enough at times. They fret that they have messed up.
But Winnicott tells us not to worry so much. Being imperfect is perfect, actually.
It’s not just OK to mess up every now and then – it’s necessary to ensure your child develops properly.
Angelina’s brave face to Oscar snub
Angelina Jolie has not been shortlisted for an Oscar for her performance in Maria, a biopic about the opera singer Maria Callas, despite its rave reviews
Despite rave reviews and a nomination for a Golden Globe, Angelina Jolie has not been shortlisted for an Oscar for her performance in Maria, about the opera singer Maria Callas. Ouch. That does seem unfair.
But one of the great lessons to learn in life is that it is unfair. Learning to accept this fact is the only way to get through.
While most of us don’t have to deal with an Oscar snub, we all have to come to terms with things that seem unjust.
We work hard, do our best, and then find we’re not rewarded. Even more galling is watching others sail past while appearing to have less talent or dedication than us. You want to stamp your feet and shout: ‘It’s not fair!’
This is normal, but ultimately it’s not productive or psychologically healthy. There are some things you can change, and some you can’t.
Focusing on what you can change and doing your best is the only way, ultimately, to tackle life. If you can do this, then you’re a winner.
I’ve never met the actress Pauline Quirke, but I feel like I know her. I grew up watching Birds Of A Feather and adored her in that TV comedy show.
That’s why I felt strangely upset when last week her husband announced the 65-year-old has dementia.
Diagnosed at 61, Pauline joins others in the public eye such as Fiona Phillips, who have been struck with this condition at a relatively young age.
Early-onset dementia is defined as starting before the age of 65. One in ten cases have a genetic cause, but for many others, it’s just dreadful luck.
I’ve had to diagnose many people with dementia and I am always struck by the devastating effect an early diagnosis has on partners, who see their future together torn up.
One moment you’re making plans about your retirement, your holidays, spending time with family, travelling – and then suddenly all this is ripped away from you.
Dr Max prescribes… Time to recover
I’m just recovering from a nasty bout of flu (proper flu, not the man type) and spent a good few days in bed last week, unable to do much.
I know exactly who gave it to me – a colleague had it but decided to come back to work when they were only just feeling a bit better.
If you have flu and have been off work, you should still stay home for 24 hours after symptoms stop, and 48 hours with norovirus, to avoid passing it on to colleagues
Three of us then promptly went off sick with it shortly after he returned. Cases are soaring in the UK, and norovirus is also on the rise.
The official guidance is to stay home for 24 hours after flu symptoms stop and for 48 hours if you’ve had norovirus, to avoid spreading it.
So please, don’t become a super-spreader and instead take a bit of extra time at home to recover. Your colleagues will thank you.
New research shows one in five people given six months to live is still with us three years later. Suddenly, I’m very uneasy about the Assisted Dying Bill. I fear that MPs, swayed by celebrity campaigns and emotive stories, voted with their hearts and not their heads.
