Dear Jane,
I am a 22-year-old waitress working in a fancy restaurant in New York City. It’s common for men to flirt with me at work, but I usually turn them down because I don’t feel comfortable dating customers.
That was until recently.
One day, a charming man visited the restaurant for a business dinner with a large group. He remained polite even when some of his companions started behaving rowdily.
At the end of the meal, he approached me and told me he thought I was very beautiful, and that he’d like to take me on a date.
This man was a mature and attractive individual, though I couldn’t pinpoint his exact age. Despite my reservations, I agreed to go out to dinner with him, thinking it was just a casual meal.
That weekend, he took me to an amazing bar, followed by a delicious dinner and then he invited me back to his gigantic apartment for a nightcap. I was so attracted to him and pleasantly surprised with how lovely he was. We ended up sleeping together.
The next morning, he made me breakfast and I joked that he sure knows how to treat a girl. He confessed he was previously married and has two daughters. I was a little taken aback and asked how old he was. He said 63. I was stunned.
DEAR JANE: I’m so ashamed to admit it, but I only sleep with men who remind me of my aging father
Not only is he almost three times my age, but he’s also the same age as my own father.
Despite sharing an amazing night, we didn’t see each other again (he never called), which was disappointing because I genuinely enjoyed our time together.
But men in my own age range constantly disappoint me with their immaturity, lack of style and… small apartments! So, seeking the same thrill, the next time an older guy asked me out during my shift, I said yes.
With him I also enjoyed a great date and then ended up sleeping over and, once again, it was amazing.
The downside is that I feel rather ashamed of myself. After all, I can’t have a ‘real future’ with a man the same age as my dad. If we had a baby when I was 30… he’d be over 70!
But I also don’t know if I can go back to dating ‘kids’. Would it be so bad to consider a serious relationship with a much older man?
From,
Silver-fox Hunter
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Silver-fox Hunter,
I know couples with a large age gap, who have been together for years and are very happy. I also know couples with no age gap, who start off strong only to run into relationship problems as they get older. There is no magic combination that guarantees a successful partnership but there is a ‘rule of thumb’ of sorts.
When women in their forties get together with partners in their sixties there are often issues. At 40, many women are just coming into their prime, discovering who they are, feeling comfortable in their skin and ready to take on the world. But at 60, men are often slowing down and looking forward to quiet nights and time at home. That can make for a dysfunctional mix of priorities.
That said, I can’t tell you who to be attracted to. Typically women don’t demand enough from relationships – and we accept emotional immaturity from our mates. You don’t appear to do that, so that’s a good start. But you should consider the specific qualities that you find appealing in older men, perhaps this attraction is less about age and more about stage.
Wisdom and maturity can be found in twenty-somethings, just as stupidity and immaturity can be found in fifty-somethings. There are plenty of young men who are mature and sensible, have stable jobs and might be able to provide you with the stability and security you are searching for. So, look for the person, not the number of years.
As for the small apartments, my advice is this: Never rely on a man to give you the things that you want. You’re young and in what may very well may be a starter job. Rather than spending your time hoping to meet a wealthy man, focus your energy on finding the work that will bring you joy. What are you passionate about? How could you make a difference in the world?
When we are happy and fulfilled in our work, money often follows. Design your life rather than look for someone to hand it to you.
Dear Jane,
My wife and I have always had a fabulous friendship with my old college roommate and his fantastic wife.
We’ve known each other for more than 20 years. As young couples (before we all got married), we’d hang out on weekends, go on vacations together and talk about our lives.
We’ve seen each other’s good, bad and ugly – and nothing ever came between us.
Now something’s different.
Our friends have two children; a 10-year-old boy and a three-year-old girl. We have kids the same age and spending time together as families is a complete nightmare.
Their children behave like monsters. The older boy is super aggressive and doesn’t know how to share. The little girl is a snotty diva – constantly throwing hissy fits over nothing.
The two of them even make trouble with my kids, who are usually able to get along with nearly everyone.
Plus, our friends don’t know how to parent. They refuse to discipline their kids even when it’s obvious that something needs to be done. Instead, they laugh it off.
Once, I tried to tell my friend that he’d better get control of his little kids and their little issues, before they become bigger kids… with bigger issues. But he became super cold, and ever since, his wife acts differently toward me.
I’d say that we should just get together when someone else is watching the kids – but everyone is so busy, we’d never see them.
I feel like their kids have ruined our friendship. What can I do?
From,
Frank Friend
Dear Frank Friend,
Oh, how my heart goes out to you. I well remember the times I sat and watched in horror as the children of people I love behaved in ways I found awful.
There was the time when the teenage sons of our best friends came to us for Thanksgiving and the boys sat at the table playing loud video games throughout the entire meal, not talking to the other children or anyone else.
And then there was the child who got up from the table and cartwheeled across the furniture, breaking a vase that I cherished.
The stories are countless. Now that my own four children are grown and flown I, mercifully, no longer have to deal with someone else’s boorish kids. But the experience taught me a valuable lesson: There is absolutely nothing one can do to change their friends’s kids. So don’t try. The children haven’t ruined your friendship but your unsolicited parenting advice might.
College roommates are special. They knew us before we even knew ourselves and before we started transforming into who we thought we had to be as adults. They know – and love – the pure essence of you, just as you love them. That is an irreplaceable bond. You will make new friends but old friends are to be treasured. Don’t jeopardize that.
The very best solution is to accept that everyone parents differently. It may not be your way but they’re not your children either.
When your friends suggest getting together as families, you can say that you’d rather leave the kids at home and go out. If either of you can find someone to watch the children, so be it. Just tell them that the plans don’t work for you.
If this friendship is important to you, the only course of action is to wait out these very intense child-rearing years. It may be that you have to find alternative ways to socialize. Maybe this relationship is maintained by phone calls and Zoom chats. As hard as it may sound, the friendship may have to sit on the back burner for now.
If you want this friendship to survive, keep your judgments about their parenting and their children to yourself.
