Dear Jana,
A surprising conversation with my husband recently caught me off guard. I was taken aback when he revealed his fantasy of me being intimate with other men. Strangely, he assured me that this desire did not stem from any dissatisfaction in our marriage.
He expressed a keen interest in the idea and mentioned that it would excite him to hear the specifics afterward. Initially, I dismissed it as a joke, assuming he wasn’t serious. However, he continues to broach the topic in various ways.
He proposed that I engage in light flirting while socializing with friends to test the waters, or even toy with the idea of installing a dating app for amusement. He emphasized that his intention is not rooted in infidelity and that our relationship is strong in terms of attraction and love. Nevertheless, I can’t shake off this feeling of unease. Our intimate life has always been fulfilling, and I’ve never felt the urge to look elsewhere, so this revelation has left me feeling uncertain about everything.
Is this just a harmless kink that some couples explore, or is this a red flag that points to something deeper? Could this be a sign he wants to cheat but is projecting it onto me? I love my husband, but I never thought I’d be in a marriage where something like this was even a topic of conversation. How do I even begin to approach this?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Congrats! You’ve just discovered your husband’s kink! And, honestly, good on him for being open about it. You’d be horrified by how many couples are too afraid to share their fantasies with each other (what a waste of a saucy sex life).
Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking offers some words of advice to a woman who has been blindsided by her husband’s sexual kink: cuckolding
So, first things first, pat yourself on the back for having the kind of relationship where these conversations can actually happen.
What he’s describing is called cuckolding (yep, there’s a name for it), and while it might sound a little shocking at first, trust me, it’s way more common than you think.
In fact, men confess this to me all the time in my DMs. Just take a look at the booming popularity of the swinging scene right now. People love the thrill of watching!
Now, take a deep breath and relax, because no, I don’t think this is a red flag, and I’m 99.9 per cent sure this isn’t a sneaky way of him saying he wants to cheat. It’s actually the opposite – the fantasy is all about seeing you being adored by someone else. And look, if I wasn’t such a green-eyed monster, I’d probably find it kinda hot too. Sadly, jealousy would eat me alive. But for a lot of couples, this works, and I tip my hat to them.
So, how do you handle it? The key here is not to treat it like some serious relationship crisis. Avoid the dreaded ‘we need to talk’ opener (seriously, no one likes hearing that). Instead, bring it up when the mood is light and flirty.
Something like, ‘Alright, tell me more about this cheeky little fantasy of yours…’ This way, he knows you’re at least open to the discussion, even if you’re not necessarily on board with acting it out.
From there, it’s all about what you feel comfortable with. Maybe you don’t want to go all in on the fantasy, but you could play with the idea in a different way – like talking about wild experiences from your past to get him worked up.
That alone might be enough to scratch the itch. And if it’s not your thing? That’s fine too. Just because someone shares a fantasy doesn’t mean you have to fulfill it. Sometimes, simply talking about it is enough to keep the spark (and boner) alive.
Jana says exploring sexual fantasies with a partner is a good thing for a relationship
So lean in, hear the man out, and see where the conversation takes you. But remember, you set the boundaries, and there’s always a middle ground to explore.
Dear Jana,
The other night, my wife came home late (and very drunk) after a night out with her friends. As she was getting into bed, she mumbled something about ‘kissing someone’ but then immediately laughed, said she was joking, and brushed it off like it was nothing.
At the time, I let it go, but now I can’t stop thinking about it. Was it really a joke? Or was this one of those drunk confessions that accidentally slipped out?
To make matters worse, the next morning, I noticed a bruise on her thigh. When I asked about it, she shrugged and said she must’ve bumped into something while out – but now my brain won’t stop spiraling.
I know bruises don’t automatically mean cheating, but I can’t help but wonder if there’s more to the story. I’ve asked a female friend about it and she said I’m acting crazy, but a male friend said I need to confront her.
I don’t want to seem insecure or accuse her of something unfairly, but I also can’t shake this gut feeling that something happened. If I bring it up now, days later, do I just look paranoid? Or is this something I should be confronting her about?
Jeff
Dear Jeff,
What you have here is a self-sabotaging girlfriend (or, in your case, wife). Oh, how I know her well. She’s the kind of woman who, when things are going too well, finds a way to stir the pot.
And what’s an easier way to do that than a throwaway ‘Oops, I kissed someone… haha, just kidding!’ after a big night out? God, it’s triggering me just thinking about it.
The number of brilliant men we SSWs (Self-Sabotaging Women) have thrown away simply because we were silly and reckless should have been studied by Freud. Actually, it probably was.
Let me break this down for you: women like this (yes, I’m including my past self here) sometimes test their relationships without even realising it. Maybe she’s subconsciously looking for reassurance that you care (Will he get jealous? Will he fight for me?) Add alcohol to the mix and our insecurities can go through the roof.
And maybe – just maybe – she’s feeling guilty about something minor (think some flirting, a hand on the thigh, a brief kiss) and she just had to poke the bear a little to get it off her chest in a roundabout way. It’s not great, but it’s not an affair either.
Now, let’s talk about this mysterious bruise business. Oh, sweet, sweet Jeff. Men love to think a thigh bruise is some kind of scandalous proof she is being thrown about by other men. Well, first of all, not every bruise is a sex bruise, Jeff *eye roll. And secondly, let me tell you – women bruise like peaches.
A worried husband asks Jana if his wife’s mysterious bruises and a drunken ‘confession’ after a night out mean she’s cheating on him (stock image posed by models)
Could be from dancing, bumping into a table or – more likely – one too many cocktails and an ill-timed attempt to climb into an Uber. Trust me, it happens. That also reminds me, I really need to up my steak intake. Get that iron pumping through my blood cells.
But… let’s not totally rule out other possibilities. Maybe she did kiss someone, but it was a meaningless, drunken mistake, and her guilt made her blurt it out before immediately panicking.
Or maybe – and this is key – she truly was just messing with you, unaware that you’d spiral into a full-blown investigation over it.
So, should you confront her? Well obviously, yes – just don’t turn this into a courtroom drama. Instead, keep it casual. Next time the moment feels right, say something like, ‘Hey, that little “kissed someone” comment stuck with me. Was that just drunk nonsense, or is there something you want to tell me?’
Watch her reaction. If she doubles down on the joke, she was probably just testing the waters. If she suddenly looks like a deer in headlights, well… Judge Judy hammer that gavel, because she’s guilty as charged.
At the end of the day, Jeff, you need to trust your gut – but don’t let it drive you too crazy (I know, I know, easier said then done). Sometimes a joke is just a joke. And sometimes, a bruise is just a poorly placed barstool.
Actually, I couldn’t leave this without one slightly toxic suggestion… Type the name of the place she went out into Instagram, find as many photos and Stories as possible, and start scanning the backgrounds like a detective on a mission.
You’d be surprised how often people accidentally capture someone up to no good. I’m not saying I’ve done this before… but I’m also not not saying that. (*cough cough, it worked!*)
Dear Jana,
How do I approach a situation that could blow up my sister’s marriage? For context, I work as a manager at a well-known brothel in Melbourne, far away from my family who live in another state.
It’s a job I enjoy, I manage the business side of things, and while people have their judgments, I have no shame about my work.
But recently, it’s put me in a moral dilemma. My brother-in-law, my sister’s husband, walked through the doors while on a work trip. He didn’t see me, but I saw him, and there was no mistaking it: he was there as a client.
Now I’m stuck in an impossible situation. My sister adores him, and as far as I know, she has no clue about this side of him. If I tell her, I risk blowing up her marriage and outing my own job, which I’ve never openly discussed with my family. If I stay quiet, I feel like I’m letting her live a lie.
Do I tell her? Do I confront him? Or do I pretend I never saw anything and let karma do its thing? Because, honestly, I feel sick even keeping this secret and I would be upset if she knew something about my husband and didn’t tell me.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
To quote Casablanca… ‘Of all the brothels in all the cities in all the world, your brother-in-law had to walk into yours.’ Okay, I tweaked it a little, but seriously, what are the odds? The universe really does have a wicked sense of humor.
And speaking of karma, Taylor Swift said it best: ‘Karma’s gonna track you down, step by step, from town to town.’ (Don’t ask why I’m so quote-heavy today – I’ve had two coffees!) But honestly? She’s right… sometimes you’ve got to let karma do the heavy lifting.
However… let’s consider for a second that you don’t actually have all the information.
Hear me out.
What if – just what if – your sister already knows? Maybe they have some kind of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ arrangement. Maybe she’s well aware of his little extracurricular activities and chooses to look the other way.
Or maybe their marriage is a whole lot kinkier than you ever imagined. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes, and some people are perfectly fine with things that would send others into a spiral.
And even if she doesn’t know, you have to ask yourself: what’s your real goal in telling her? Do you want to help her, or do you just feel like she deserves to know? Because those are two very different things.
Dropping this bomb could completely unravel her life in ways you can’t control. (And will surely make the next Christmas gathering super awkward!) If that happens, you won’t just be watching from the sidelines. You’ll be smack in the middle of the wreckage. Once this secret is out, there’s no undoing it.
And let’s not forget the other factor here – your big ol’ secret. Coming forward with this doesn’t just expose him; it exposes you. Your family doesn’t know about your job and revealing it under these circumstances could affect your own relationships.
Are you ready for that? And more importantly, is it worth it?
But if your moral compass (yes, that horrid thing) is screaming that you cannot keep this secret, here’s my advice: don’t go straight to your sister – go to him first. Send a message (or, if you’re feeling brave, call him directly) and say something like:
‘Hey [brother-in-law], we need to talk. I saw you at my workplace the other night. I’m struggling with what to do because I love my sister, and I feel sick keeping this from her. I need to know what’s the situation here? Because if she’s in the dark about this, I don’t know how long I can keep quiet.’
This nifty trick does two things. One, it forces him to sit with the weight of his actions. And two, it gives him the opportunity to come clean before you do.
Worst case? He panics, denies everything, or tries to manipulate the situation. If that happens, then yes, you have a real decision to make about whether your sister deserves the truth.
But best case? He confesses, and you’re not the villain in this story, he is.
At the end of the day, you’re not the one who created this mess, he did. So while I totally understand your urge to fix things, just make sure you’re not the one left sweeping up the broken pieces. Oh, how badly we’ve seen that play out.
Sending you strength (and a stiff drink).
