Dear Jane,
My 16-year-old daughter had been going through an angsty/moody phase for a few months now and it’s getting unbearable. She refuses to eat dinner with my husband and I and her younger siblings.
And having just got her driver’s license she is always out with God knows who doing God knows what, but when we want to go out and do things together as a family she insists on staying home.
The other day I was vacuuming her room when I stumbled across her diary and couldn’t help but take a peek. Now I wish I’d never picked it up.
Her entries show that she is completely fixated with an older boy who she thinks she’s ‘fallen in love’ with.
He’s 21 years old, goes to community college and it seems that she has made a habit of skipping out of school to smoke weed with him and his friends. She even wrote that she’s planning on trying more drugs when she goes to a concert with them later this month. I didn’t even know about this concert and was horrified to read that she plans to tell me she’s having a sleepover with friends so that she can spend the night with him.
It’s made me question the truth of all the other times she’s told me she was staying with friends. Has she been with him, and maybe having sex, all along?
We all walk on tiptoes around her at the best of times because she is so sensitive. I’m too scared to ask questions or tell her ‘no’ in case she has a total meltdown.
Dear Jane: I read my teen daughter’s diary and discovered a dangerous secret. Do I need to call the police?
I don’t know how to handle the situation. I can’t admit to looking through her diary, she would never forgive me. I’m also reluctant to tell my husband about my actions as he would be furious too.
I’m so desperate to protect my daughter from this older boy, who is clearly an awful influence on her, that I’m considering taking matters into my own hands. My plan is to give his name to the police and say he is supplying underage girls with illegal drugs.
I think he deserves to pay the price for preying on my young daughter and corrupting her and want nothing more than to scare him out of her life, but should I feel bad for getting the police involved?
From,
Diary Nark
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Diary Nark,
First off, I can feel your pain in this letter and I am sorry you are going through this.
We all want to protect our children and it must feel unbearable to learn your daughter is being exposed to things that pose a very real threat.
But you mention ‘tiptoeing around her’ and I want to stop you right there. The fact that you fear your sixteen-year-old daughter is a problem.
Many of us feel that we were sufficiently messed up by our own childhoods and don’t want to repeat our parents’ mistakes. As a result, some erroneously believe that we should act like our children’s best friends.
That’s wrong. Our jobs are to be parents.
Children learn best when they are loved unconditionally – that means giving them advice and admonishments (within reason) and demonstrating to them that your love is constant and unshakeable.
Perhaps above all, children must be given clear boundaries – and one ‘red line’ is certainly behavior that is outright dangerous.
A sixteen-year-old has not fully developed impulse control.
Of course, you must step in if she is doing drugs and having sex with older boys. Legally, she cannot be with a 21-year-old!
And you cannot be frightened of her tantrums.
No, she won’t like it when you tell her she can’t go for a sleepover or a concert, but she should get used to hearing ‘no.’ She’ll hear it plenty throughout her life.
Ultimately, you’ll be doing her a favor. She will thank you for it when she is older.
Finally, I frankly don’t care how you became aware of her behavior and it’s not necessary to reveal that you discovered all of this by reading her diary. You don’t need to justify yourself to your child when you are doing something to protect her.
Be clear with her about the consequences – up to and including reporting the boyfriend to the police – if she continues seeing him.
You may be in for some rocky times, I’m afraid. But you have no other choice.
Now is the time to stop being her frightened friend and become her loving, guiding parent. I wish you well.
Dear Jane,
I think my husband has a crush on our babysitter.
We use a subscription-based service to find high-quality babysitters so we know we can trust them with our two children – aged three and five – when we go out on date nights.
We have used a handful of girls from the website and they’ve all been great. But my husband has suddenly become insistent that we use the same girl every time.
She is around 25 and very friendly but, while she’s admittedly beautiful, she’s nothing special when it comes to looking after the children. It’s not like they love her or ask for her, which is making me suspicious of my husband’s motives.
He never showed any interest in making the arrangements for someone to watch them before, but now he’s the one who texts her to coordinate plans and times. Are they flirting with each other over text?
Last weekend, I reached my tipping point. I had a friend’s birthday party to go to and my husband had no plans. He was just going to stay home with the kids. But at the last minute, he suggested the babysitter come over while he was home to ‘help out’ so he could ‘do some work’ while she played with the children.
This is not only unnecessary but also bizarre. I can’t remember the last time he had to do work on a Saturday night.
Am I being paranoid or is something going on between them? Should I read his texts with her or come home from the birthday party early to try and catch them in the act?
From,
Sitter Sabotage
Dear Sitter Sabotage,
I won’t tell you to spy on or ambush your husband, but I know this for certain: when our gut whispers that something isn’t right, we should listen.
Perhaps your husband hasn’t yet embarked on an affair but if you think he has a crush on the babysitter, I’m guessing your probably right.
Years ago, I met a fellow author at a book event, who was terribly young, and terribly handsome. He flirted with me outrageously, which was flattering, and made me feel alive for the first time in years.
We emailed back and forth for a while, and when he next came to town, I met him for a drink. I told my husband about the meeting, although I didn’t tell him we had been flirting. When I returned home, after an evening of conversation, flirting and nothing else, my husband took one look at me and said, ‘Uh oh, my wife has a crush.’
We know our partners better than anyone else. Illicit relationships happen under the veil of secrecy. My husband calling out my crush diffused what might have otherwise become a more dangerous situation.
You need to take the same approach with your husband.
Tell him you can see he has a crush. Tell him it’s inappropriate for this babysitter to come over when he’s home and ask him to work with you on how to navigate the problem. He will probably get defensive, certainly if it’s true, but it’s important you tell him what you feel.
If he’s set on having an affair, I’m not sure there’s a way to stop it. But bringing the issue to light, will change the dynamic.
