God, so much has happened since the last time we caught up with these ladies: Covid. Lockdowns. The Great Lydia Schiavello Photoshopping Scandal of 2021.Shout-out to Janet Roach, asserting her rightful dominance by narrating this season’s introduction and wearing this truly hideous pair of sunglasses during the opening credits that you just know cost more than your house:First up this season we’re with the lovably eccentric Gamble, and it’s getting all Real Housewives: Uncut up in here as we watch her slip off her silk robe, light a candle, and lower herself seductively into a bubble bath … along with her army of Pomeranians. I know you’re expecting a snarky remark here and trust me, they will come. However, given my unhealthy obsession for Pomeranians I will just say is this: I speak from experience when I say somebody’s going to get ringworm.Gamble explains that she speaks fluent Pomeranian, but to this ear it sounds more like when Jesy from Little Mix spoke Jamaican. Gamble clarifies: She speaks to her dogs in an accent that’s part-German, part-Scottish. Oh, to be rich enough not to be institutionalised for behaviour like this.Next we have a proper check-in with Janet, who says her life has “done a complete turnaround” since we last saw her: Romance, business and family life are all going swimmingly. “I almost can’t believe it – in fact, I have to keep touching myself to believe it,” she says. Oh Janet, we’re all friends here – who needs an excuse!Janet is loving life, flitting between her new home in Toorak and the penthouse her partner Sam recently bought at Palazzo Versace on the Gold Coast. All that cash and yet it always ends up a bit Kath and Kim with our Aussie housewives, doesn’t it? Taking a private jet to your opulent holiday home … next to SeaWorld Nara Resort. It’s noice, it’s different, it’s unusual. Life’s been a lot tougher for our final returning Housewife Jackie, who’s gone through seven rounds of IVF and suffered a miscarriage since we last saw her. Fans of the show will know how long she’s wanted to be a mum, so it’s heartwarming to skip ahead and see where she’s at on her social media – she’s currently heavily pregnant with twins. This is wonderful news and again no place for snark, so I will just say this: Imagine if it’s actually triplets and she calls them Shine, Shyne, Shi’yne. Now it’s time to start meeting our new Housewives. In a not-at-all-staged meeting, Janet and Gamble head for a private class with yoga teacher and British mum-of-three Cherry. Cherry loves shoes and bags, but more than that – yes, she insists, even more – she loves her family. This includes her instantly iconic mother-in-law:Poor Cherry seems a bit sheltered for Real Housewives. She’s married to her very first boyfriend, and she confesses to Gamble and Janet she’s never had a trip away from her three kids in the 16 years since the first was born.Dr. Janet Roach’s expert prognosis: “I think that Cherry needs to have a bit of a drink and lighten up.”Next it’s time to meet another new Housewife, as Cherry hosts a playdate for her friend Kyla and her daughter Arlington. Kyla arrives and – like any good guest – immediately demands champagne in a vaguely menacing tone. “You’ve got this big f**king house and you don’t have champagne?” she asks threateningly, as their young children watch on. Kyla is known as the “champagne lady”: that’s her business, that’s her brand. She works tirelessly in underprivileged communities educating them about the subtle differences between Bollinger and Veuve (OK, I made that up).“I’m a woman who works hard: Champagne education, trips to France,” she says with a straight face. But wait, there’s more. “I love property … ever since I fell pregnant with Arlington I’ve bought a new house every year, so I have seven homes now.” Relatable queen! Kyla says while she may have a glamorous life, her Western Suburbs upbringing (Albert Park?) keeps her humble.But she’s also got issues: She’s worried her business takes too much of her time and she’s not giving proper attention to her daughter and partner. Cherry mentions her little yoga sesh with someone Kyla might know – Janet Roach.“Oh my god! That’s a blast from the past,” says Kyla. Umm, by that I assume she’s referring to when they shot the opening credits together? Cherry entirely spontaneously invites Kyla to lunch with Janet and a few other girlfriends/contractually obliged reality show cast members.It’s a chance for Janet to show off her giant new house in Toorak. “It’s a monstrosity … it’s really beautiful,” is Jackie’s verdict on her friend’s new digs. It has vague Kim and Kanye vibes: cavernous, muted, clean. Abattoir chic. A beautiful place to get killed!God bless Gamble, who arrives to the shindig with a Suzie Wilks topknot, dressed like the headline act at a Dolly Parton drag revue, and immediately orders her signature cocktail: A beer in a wine glass.Chugging her VB, Gamble immediately takes an absurd amount of offence at the news that yoga teacher Cherry is bringing a friend with her to lunch. Apparently it’s just not the done thing to Gamble? According to her, friends need to be tested for “a couple of years” before they score a home invite. At first this sounds frankly insane, until you remember the NSFW Pomeranian bubble bath orgy we witnessed at her house earlier.Kyla is the last to arrive, presumably because she had a prior engagement at a fancy dress party:“When I first saw her walk in, I wanted to say ‘Wow, you look like a porn star!’ Gamble exclaims. “But I didn’t.” Gamble. Gamble. Do it. I’ll get you more Pomeranians. Sitting down to lunch, Kyla makes an announcement: She hasn’t just brought her own champagne for the other ladies to taste. Oh, no. “I know Janet might be upset about this but I actually brought a box of glasses – and they’re the RIGHT glasses to drink champagne out of. No offence Janet.”This is a smart move: With Gina Liano gone, Janet is RHOM’s new apex predator. Assert your dominance early on, Kyla, and you’re less likely to get shivved in the showers later. This elicits a truly spectacular reaction from Janet, who for all her strengths, has never quite managed to nail a poker face:Champagne poured, Kyla then starts to lead the girls on a champagne tasting, droning on about the bubbles, the body, the acidity – all the stuff you have to politely endure on a winery tour before you can drink your own body weight in plonk and throw up in the back of the minibus. Janet is absolutely not having it:Kyla then moves her hostile takeover up a notch, leading the table in a toast, all the while ignoring the fact that this isn’t actually her party. Kyla, you’re flying a little close to the sun here – save a little something for episode two. Jackie cuts the tension by offering Kyla a few of her trademark psychic predictions. Of Kyla’s partner, she warns: “I feel like he loves you, but doesn’t appreciate you … and he doesn’t know what to do.”Kyla is stunned. She’s got chills. How could Jackie possibly know these deeply personal details Kyla previously voiced during a filmed sit-down interview with the show’s producers which aired earlier in the episode?Jackie continues with her eerie psychic predictions: “I did feel a very strong vibe from Kyla that she likes to rule the roost.” Now I’ve got chills. Do this woman’s psychic powers have no limit?Jackie then tells Kyla – who she’s just met – that her partner of eight years is not the one and they won’t be together long-term. What a fun first-episode viewing party Kyla and her partner must be having watching this back!Raw, emotional, upset, Kyla retreats under the safety of her giant hat:Jackie’s psychic hotline continues in the next scene as she meets with another of the new girls, Simone, who shows up at her house for a reading. Jackie notes that Simone has “manic” energy. Jackie knows a thing about manic – just listen to her dance single “Shine It Up” (top YouTube comment: ‘Who’s that person singing? It sounds like RuPaul at 3am?”)Simone is from Toorak (duh) and she complains that when women first meet her, “they get the wrong idea.” Why? For top-tier humblebrag reasons of course: She’s beautiful, she’s blonde, she’s tall, she has style, she has flair, that’s how she became The Nanny. Not since Janine Allis’ stint on Australian Survivor has the word business been uttered so many times in a reality show. Simone’s a National Business Manager. She’s got a Business Marketing qualification. She’s about to complete a Master of Business Administration – in business studies. Basically: Simone definitely knows how to use Excel and I personally find that deeply intimidating.When not doing business, Simone socialises with what appears to be an army of Simone clones. Perhaps this is how she finds time to do it all – there’s actually four of her:Finally this episode, all the Housewives come together for a day of pampering: cocktails, spa treatments, and pass-agg offence-taking. Lined up at the counter of a salon getting manicures, talk turns to fashion – Kyla says she hates the “Melbourne uniform” of black and loves dressing colour. Then she calls down to the other end of the counter sweetly: “And Janet, does age play a part? Is something not appropriate after a certain age?”Don’t worry, with age comes experience, and Janet’s been a Real Housewife long enough to know you don’t come to an event like this without a little ammo. Deflecting the question, she asks Kyla if it’s really appropriate to text a friend like Cherry and tell them they need to “lift their game” fashion-wise – a claim Kyla denies. But Janet says she’s seen the text. CODE RED – WE HAVE AN SMS-BASED SCANDAL, PEOPLE.Cherry confirms there was a text sent from Kyla that included the term “lazy fashion,” instructing her to make a bit more effort when they appear on camera. Kyla, producing the season before it even began!Despite that confirmation, Kyla insists Janet is lying: “This is something I’d expect from a 16-year-old girl, not a 60-something-year-old woman.” Next week: Final new girl Anjali gets added to the mix, and Gamble brings a case of beer to Kyla’s champagne tasting (onya Gamble). In the meantime, chat Real Housewives and Pomeranian bathing with @bondnickbond on Twitter.The Real Housewives of Melbourne continues 8:30pm Sunday on Foxtel’s Arena channel.
Source: Sun Herald
