In Tuesday night’s almost-finale (ahead of Wednesday’s reunion special), the five remaining celebrities reach the final hours of the military training course and the soldiers are fed up. Maybe even a little embarrassed. They’ve failed to mentally and physically break these celebrities, as promised. Instead, the celebrities have hung around like cockroaches. The soldiers are left with no other choice but to stomp wildly, scream and spray random aerosol products on them, like I do, when I realise I’ve run out of Mortein. Everyone’s getting ripped off tonight. The two celebrities who get axed from the course against their will are ripped off. Same with the two who successfully finish the course and then get rejected. We the viewers are also ripped off tonight because there’s no more scandalous revelations for the celebs to divulge, so we have to sit around for an hour watching them all run up a hill. We’re the real victims here. JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps hereLast time we saw the celebs, they were being held hostage after getting carjacked by a group of hooded captors who, really, were probably just the entire on-air team from Sunrise. Prove me wrong. “If you try and escape, you will be shot dead,” one of the captors/Natalie Barr yells at them. It’s all a test to see how well the celebrities pay attention when placed under pressure. One-by-one, they’re brought in for questioning by the soldiers, who quiz them about specific details they should’ve noticed during the ambush. But former Home And Away star Dan Ewing misinterprets the task. When it’s his turn to be quizzed, he thinks it’s a role play exercise with his “captors”. Once again, he draws on all his skills as an actor and stuns us with a gripping performance. “Ugh … yahhh … aargh,” he whimpers as he’s pushed into a chair, really committing to the scene.“How’d you get here?” the soldiers ask him. Dan’s body shivers and his voice trembles. “I … I was brought here … for a fundraiser … in a car.” The shining light of this entire series has been witnessing Dan inhabit a character and improvise dialogue on the fly.The soldiers roll their eyes and try hard not to laugh. “Are you f**kin’ thick?”“I’m just an actor, I don’t give a f**k what you guys got goin’ on,” he pleads, as if it’s a scene from an ‘80s mob movie and he’s playing the role of a witness who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time – a guy who saw something he shouldn’t have and now he’s about to pay the ultimate price. Even the show’s voiceover narrator starts giggling. “Misunderstanding the purpose of being questioned, Dan isn’t co-operating – and, instead, draws upon his acting background by … inventing … a cover story.”There’s really nothing better than when a show’s own voiceover narrator starts getting shady about the contestants. Dan continues to let out groans and cries. “I don’t give a sh*t what you guys are doin’.”Unable to tolerate the impromptu theatrical performance any longer, the soldiers draw the curtain. “Get this piece of sh*t out of my sight,” one spits. And just like that, with only a few hours of the course remaining, Dan is kicked outta the competition for good. While it’s usually up to the celebrities to withdraw themselves, time is of the essence and the soldiers suddenly realise too many of the stars have gotten to the final stage of the course. It’s a bad look for the SAS if five celebrities make it to the finish line. How humiliating for the military. I imagine it’d be the same level of embarrassment I’d feel if I were ever seen travelling inside a Nissan Cube. Dan, always looking for new ways to elevate a scene, proposes a challenge for the soldiers as he exits.“If you dare, step into my world,” he taunts.As he walks out of the concrete cell, the hysterical giggles from the soldiers echo down the hallway behind him. Nothing spikes the adrenaline like firing a former Home And Away star – and the soldiers now have a spring in their step. They’re on a roll and decide to also axe Jana for no reason. Even though she successfully completes the gruelling second-last challenge and can easily triumph in the final task, they don’t care. There are three celebrities left: Sam Burgess, Mark Philippoussis and John Steffensen. But the soldiers still think that’s too many. What to do? Dangle them from a tightrope between two cliffs and see who survives. The boys are made grip the rope with their bare hands and dangle for three minutes. Whoever lets go and plummets to the rocks below – before the countdown is up – immediately fails. But no one plummets. They all survive. Rats.So … it seems … they’ve all successfully finished the course? Ugh. This is a reality show – the competition can’t end with everyone winning. We need a loser. The soldiers take matters into their own hands.“You both completed the course,” one of the soldiers points to John and Mark. “But only Sam passed the course.”The camera zooms in on the glum faces of John and Mark and we watch as they realise they should’ve just signed up for Celebrity MasterChef. Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir
Source: Sun Herald
